How to Stop Saying Yes When You Mean No

Hello.

You said yes to the cake stall. You said yes to the Saturday shift, the lift to the airport and the group chat that wanted "just a quick favour". You said it before your brain had finished hearing the question. Then you sat in the car and wondered who on earth agreed to all that.

It was you. It is always you. Saying yes when you mean no is not kindness gone wrong. It is a habit, and habits can be retrained.

Why you say yes when you mean no

Most people-pleasers are not pushovers. They are capable, reliable and fast. The yes comes out quickly because no feels like conflict and yes feels like peace. For about a day.

The trouble is arithmetic. Every yes is paid for in time you did not have, and the bill always lands on you.

The pause that changes everything

You do not have to answer on the spot. Try: "Let me check and get back to you." Nobody can argue with it, and it gives your actual opinion time to turn up.

How to say no politely (without a speech)

A no does not need a reason, an apology and a back story. The longer the explanation, the more room there is to negotiate. Try one of these:

• "I can't take that on this time."
• "That doesn't work for me, but thanks for thinking of me."
• "I'm at capacity this month."

Then stop talking. The silence is not your job to fill.

The hard ones

Some noes are harder than others: the boss, your mum, the friend who cried last time. Decide your answer before the conversation, not during it. Say it kindly, say it once and do not reopen it because they look disappointed. Disappointed is allowed. It is not the same as hurt.

Keep, shrink or hand back

Write down everything you currently do for other people. All of it, including the invisible jobs nobody notices until they stop. Then sort each one: keep it, shrink it or hand it back. You will be surprised how much of that list nobody actually asked you to carry.

When someone says "you only had to ask"

Smile. Then ask. "Great. Can you take over school lunches from Monday?" A specific request is much harder to argue with than a general sigh.

The book

Be Better @ Giving a Shit is for anyone who is fresh out of pieces. It walks you through the kitchen-table audit that sorts everything into keep, shrink and hand back, what to reply to the email that lands at 9.47pm and the words for getting out of hosting Christmas. No burning it all down. No moving to a beach. Just fewer shits, given on purpose. It comes with a free printable Shit-Giving Ledger.

Turning 40 and saying yes to everything? Read Turning 40: What Nobody Tells You.

Betty xx