How to Make Small Talk (and Leave Politely)

Hello.

You're standing by the cheese platter with someone's cousin. You've done the weather. You've done the traffic. Now there's a silence, and it's growing, and you're wondering if anyone has ever actually died of it.

Nobody has. But nobody ever taught you how to make small talk either. The people who make it look easy learnt it by accident, in houses where it happened to be modelled. You just missed the lesson, which is a very different thing from being bad at it.

Why small talk feels so hard

Small talk isn't about being clever or interesting. It's a handshake made of words. Its whole job is to say "I'm friendly, you're safe" before anything real gets said. Once you see it that way, the pressure drops. You don't have to be fascinating. You just have to be warm for about three minutes.

Openers that work almost anywhere

The best conversation starters are simple, open and about the other person. A few that work everywhere from a work do to a funeral:

• "How do you know everyone here?"
• "What's keeping you busy at the moment?"
• "Have you got anything good coming up?"
• "What's the best thing you've eaten lately?"

Then listen for one word you can ask about. They mention a renovation? "Oh, what are you doing?" That's the whole trick. People are happiest talking about their own thing.

What to say when it goes quiet

Silence feels like a fire alarm. It isn't. Four seconds of quiet feels like a minute, but nobody else is counting. Take a sip, smile, and go back to something they said earlier: "So the renovation, is that the kitchen?" Coming back to their topic is warm, easy and makes you look like a brilliant listener.

When it goes wrong (or somewhere heavy)

You asked about their partner and they've split up. You mentioned work and they've just lost their job. Don't panic and don't rush to fix it. "Oh, I'm sorry, that sounds like a lot" is enough. Let them choose whether to keep going or change the subject, and follow their lead.

How to leave a conversation politely

This is the bit nobody teaches, and it's the bit that matters most. A good exit has three parts: a signal, a warm summary and a reason.

• The signal: "Well, I'd better…"
• The warm summary: "…it's been so good hearing about the kitchen…"
• The reason: "…I promised I'd find my sister before she leaves."

Then actually move. Physically walk away. Hovering after the exit line is how you end up stuck for another twenty minutes.

Keep it in your wallet

If you've got a wedding, a work Christmas party or a school fundraiser coming up, write your openers and your exit on a card and read it in the car before you go in. Nobody will know. You'll just look like someone who's good at this.

Betty's made one for you: the free Small Talk wallet card, sized to sit behind your licence.

The book

Be Better @ Small Talk is a wonderfully imperfect guide to talking to people and getting away cleanly. Four openers. One exit. That's most of it. Inside are the openers that work everywhere from a funeral to a forklift, the three-part exit that lets you leave anyone warmly and what to say when it goes quiet, goes wrong or goes somewhere heavy. No personality transplant. No networking. Just the words. It comes with a free printable wallet card.

Saying yes to every invitation, then dreading every one? Read How to Stop Saying Yes When You Mean No.

Betty xx